What is the etiquette when you are not interested in a person who has messaged you on a dating site?

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Either Ambient2 or edgeways notes are fine. Be consistent across social media.

Some even from interesting people but maybe not interesting enough to date. Let me put it this way. But doesn't this lead them to think they have a chance then?

Online dating tips and etiquette: is it rude not to reply?

For a little background, I went through a tough divorce in 2011 and am finally ready to try dating. I'm a male in my late 30s and have always had a lot of female friends. I am known for joking around a lot, making people laugh and complimenting them. I am realizing more and more how often this gets confused for flirting and has begun to lead to a lot of misunderstandings. I think it's just some need to make people are at ease, to make sure they're having fun. I guess I'm a people pleaser. Anyhow, I don't think my online dating profile is anything great, but I continue to get messages from women who want to chat. In some cases, they're women I've actually met around town so they already know me and know I can be gregarious. I'm sensitive to hurting people's feelings and I have no idea how to say, thanks but no thinks in a diplomatic way. Should I bite the bullet and just go on these dates anyway? I am not one to ignore emails or messages if someone is nice enough to contact me. But I am very sensitive to leading people on. Ladies, is there an acceptable way for a man to tell you, thanks but no thanks, and not think he's a jerk? Seriously, that's the kindest possible way to turn someone down online. She'll get the hint. You are not the Infinite and Eternal One that she is hanging her hopes of romance and happiness on. I'm in a similar situation, and the part of me that values kindness and tact tells me I should respond to the messages I receive. Logically, though, I've come to realize that when I'm not interested, there's nothing I can say that will feel less bad to the person than ignoring them. If they persist, just ignore them. Being direct is not being a jerk. If you are vague, you will be perceived as a jerk if they think you're leading them on. It's still not actually polite, per se, just the least unpleasant way of indicating it. It sucks, and it's a little maddening when you're on the other end of it and waiting for someone to reply, but it's a skill one must cultivate. There isn't really a way to tell someone you're not attracted to them in a way that will land as softly as you're hoping. The exception is if you're already met them in person. Emphasize that this is not a fault on either person's side. They'll feel a little deflated for a half-hour or so and then it's on to the next profile. Like you, I was getting contacted by men I knew in my town. Unlike you, I also teach in the town where I live so sometimes I'd be getting asked out on dates by men whose kids were my students. That was really weird. Even though most people in the online dating thing know that no response is fine, I never could do that because y'know, I'd see these people in town and at work... So I ended up replying by saying thanks for the offer but I just met someone and want to see where it goes. It seemed less harsh than saying I wasn't interested in them in particular, and I think most people understand that you're really just being polite. You've met them in social situations around town, you're likely to meet them again. These are IRL people, you want to build bridges IRL, not burn them. Also, they have friends. You do not owe anyone a date. It's important to learn that for your own well-being, sometimes you have to say no, and I agree with others who have said that in this situation the best way to say no is just not to reply. If you've met them face to face before and want to be friends but not date, then just tell them that. If you don't want to risk burning a bridge with them, you could offer coffee in the daytime, but that's really optional. I can deal much better with the straightforward approach when there isn't some sort of evaluation of me involved. When you haven't met the person, ignore. Even though I don't place huge emotions in whatever happens with online dating, it kind of sucks to see you have a new message, open it and get a no. I usually just think the person is full of themselves enough to think I'm just hanging on their reply. I also don't send those messages to people who message me, when I don't want to go on a date with them. It's important to remember that e-dating values are different than RL values for better or worse , and not responding is perfectly OK, even preferred. That said, if you do need to respond, simply say 'Thanks, but no thanks'. And then do not communicate any further, even when prodded. If you're concerned about follow-ups, you can send the note and block the people. I much more would rather get a 'thank you, but no thank you' response then being blanked. Unless someone is being a jerk, or being aggressive, not responding just seems like the easy-for-me avoidance solution, not the polite solution. I am sorry, but I am not interested right now. Either Ambient2 or edgeways notes are fine. Sure they may be bummed, but at least they'll know where they stand and they can move onto someone else. Random ladies you don't know, I think it's safe to ignore. Wouldn't it be awesome if these dating sites had a NO THANKS button you could just push? No wondering if the person got your email, and no awkwardness. A quick response and onto the next person. When a person that I knew from around town -- not a friend, acquaintance, or even someone I'd ever actually spoken with, just someone I'd seen around at a few topical events -- found me on OKC, he wrote me a message immediately asking me out on a date. I ignored it because he was so very much not my type physically that it would be an impossible gap to breach, many of his OKC answers were diametrically opposed to mine including the fact that he wanted kids and I do not, which is dealbreaker territory in your 30s ; besides, we did not actually know each other at all. Ignoring his message felt similar to ignoring those gas station attendants that always ask you for your phone number when you just want to buy gas. A month or so later, I disabled my account because having an exceedingly busy life had utterly superseded any desire to date. A few days later, he found my email address we belong to a local email list that, hatefully, does not use blind carbon copy and sent me an message asking if he was the reason I disabled my OKC account. At that point, I stopped attending the events I would see him at and never again returned. When I see him now, I avert my eyes. He did not have the courage to ever speak to me in person, ever:. Thinking that disabling my OKC account had anything to do with him whatsoever: DOUBLE GAS FACE. I should have just said no. The overwhelmingly vast number of the times I've sent out carefully crafted but unsolicited messages to dudes I think seem cool, they have been 100% silently ignored. There's no need to waste everyone's time with that approach. Please do not just go on dates with these women. As a lady who is currently seeking a dude to date, and who is often the initiator in these sorts of situations, I can attest that we are mostly adults who can handle honest rejection so long as it is delivered quickly and with minimal fuss -- truly, it is OK! In fact, I think dudes I like who reject me as a prospective partner right up front are pretty sweet for having the nerve to just rip the band-aid off, and I have gone on to be good friends with some of them as a result. The only way these women could possibly think poorly of you is if you are rude in declining their invitations, or if you agree to take them out on dates while already knowing you did not want to be involved with them in any way. The fact that you're not romantically interested in them will have to come out sooner or later, right? You shouldn't try to fake it and ignore your own feelings in hopes that you will be able to spare someone else from discomfort. We will never be able to spare people from discomfort, even if we do everything they want us to do. And the person you would attempt to force yourself to date would notice how hollow your words and actions are, sooner or later. Take care, best of luck! I'm a female ~30 doing online dating who, if I write to someone, I write something personalized, and I would prefer if you just ignored it. I message people sometimes and forget about it pretty quickly no matter how much I liked their profile. I'm only going to remember you if you message me back. The only time I start to get into someone if is we have a couple of messages back and forth and it looks like we might meet, but that's regardless of whether I messaged first or the guy did. I would be really disappointed if I found out someone went on a date with me out of some sort of guilty feeling of obligation. Some even from interesting people but maybe not interesting enough to date. Thought it would be fun to write back just for the heck of it. One thing that doesn't seem so bad to do is to write a short note back, minimal, kind and acknowledging but fail to invite any follow-up by not asking questions. Works for me more often than not, but I might not have OP's natural magnetism. Not very many women in our culture are forward enough to ask for the date themselves for better and for worse usually for worse. If they do, ain't nothing wrong with a straight forward, kind rejection. I'm not interested in that way, you know? Hope you find someone who is! The courage to ask is rare and deserves to be nurtured if only for the sake of the next guy who might appreciate the message. The idea that one shouldn't waste one's time or others' time on dates with folks who aren't perfect matches is kind of silly, too. Go out if you want to go out and don't go out if you don't want to go out. Obligations and expectations on first dates are for the birds. They're real people, even if it's the internet. However, it's also really important to be as straightforward as possible. In your profile, include a one-liner along the lines of, I feel uncomfortable dating people I know through friends so don't take it personally if I don't respond for that reason. This gets you off the hook with the least amount of hurt feelings. If you already know the person, maybe just... That said, I think it would be weird to just ignore a message from someone you know and will be interacting with in the future. For those who have emailed you thus far, I would respond briefly with one of the excellent suggestions above. No wondering if the person got your email, and no awkwardness. A quick response and onto the next person. Match does, but it doesn't stop the truly persistent. I honestly think you should go with what's most comfortable, OP. I do not think you should suck it up and go on dates you don't want to. Rejection sucks, and some people take it more to heart than others. But there are folks out there who are alright with no response, too. I don't recommend doing this for women who have met you offline, because A at some point you may meet or make an acquaintance you might like to get to know in that way; B it can come across as dickish. Take that with how ever many grains of salt you like; and C It likely will not stop anyone nor will it prevent someone from feeling some kind of way about it. By going on a dating website and posting a profile, you ARE soliciting people to contact you if they are interested. Ignoring someone is never the polite thing to do, it's just the easiest thing to do and lots of people make that mistake. But nice people putting themselves out there and taking a shot that you'll be interested? The nicest thing you can do is be nice back, even if it is simply a standard brush-off. But no, you don't owe anyone any more than that. It can be interesting to go on first dates where you aren't 100% sure you feel an attraction, since that's what first dates are for. See what people are like and to test your initial judgements. Meeting someone for a coffee and an hour of chat is fine: even if it does not lead to any romantic fling, you might be a single conversation away from meeting some remarkable friend. And as you mention that in some cases you know these women already, it would seem bizarre to refuse to meet them for a coffee. Do not ignore people simply because you feel they are of no use to you. By taking the counsel of a depressing number of mefites above, you would be actively making the world a shabbier, more broken place to live in where people have value to one another only if they can be of use. Do write back a polite, clear, firm response in either case, whether you decide to meet someone or not.

Do I say not interested in the response. What role does courtesy and kindness play in this scenario. People have seemed shocked and sometimes upset at me being so forward. What have you got to lose, really. Always keep your wits about you. So how would you know if you are crossing the line. In fact, I think dudes I like who reject me as a prospective partner right up front are pretty sweet for having the nerve to just rip the band-aid off, and I have gone on to be good friends with some of them as a result. But we know this is NOT the case. Sure they may be bummed, but at least they'll know where they stand and they can move onto someone else. If there's a big age difference, let the person who took the time to write to you know that you're more comfortable in dating someone closer in age to yourself. If someone makes you uncomfortable at all, I suggest not replying. I always respond in that case.